Rick Perry – The biggest asshole ever

 

What in the goddamn hell is he talking about?

A war on religion? Obama has repeatedly confirmed that he is a religious man. And for a long time (and even to this day) a lot of Conservatives called Obama a closet Muslim, and they also constantly complained about that crazy Christian pastor.

Anyways, I’ve had some problems with The Witcher AND Red Faction. So once that’s sorted out then I will have a review for both up. Bleh. Check back soon.

Review of Metro 2033

Metro 2033 is a fantastic game.

You play as Artyom, a young man that was born after the “Great War” engulfed the entire world in atomic flames. The game is set in 2033, and it closely follows the storyline that author Dmitry Glukhovsky wrote with the same name. Since I had never read the book and I knew very little about the game I was completely unaware of what I was in for.

Clearly this video shows that I don’t handle pitch-black tunnels very well. Especially pitch-black tunnels filled with crazed mutant monsters running around, snarling at me and trying to eat my face at every opportunity.

I finished the game just the other night and I can honestly say it was one of the better experiences I’ve had in my video game playing career. The visual styles, art, and effects in the game were superb. Although I must say the AI was a bit off a times, and some of the animations were a bit stiff. But that’s fine, because these are small nitpicks at a glorious and great game that otherwise is flawless in my opinion.

Taking the gas mask on and off added a level of immersion that I really liked. Having to constantly check my wristwatch to make sure I wasn’t about to die, and having to swap out my gas mask filters were also very nice touches that pulled me deeper into the experience.

Warning: I screamed pretty loud in this video. Make sure your volume isn’t really high or your eardrums will burst and blood will spew out all over your monitor(s).

Most games don’t make me scream like a girl. Except Amnesia. And we’re not talking about Amnesia. Not now. Not tonight.

Anyways. The atmosphere of the game is brilliantly done. Artyom is a silent protagonist. Which in some cases works to the benefit of the game, but at other times it takes away from the experience for just a moment.

For example:

A character says something directly to Artyom. Perhaps a questions.

“Artyom? So where are you from?”

At this point, you stare at the person asking you and you cannot respond; Artyom does not respond. In fact another character (typically an ally) will speak up for Artyom. Which makes me wonder how the hell Artyom ever got anything accomplished if he never speaks to anyone, even when spoken to directly.

“Artyom! The monsters are coming grab a gun and let’s go!”

“…”

“Artyom you son of a bitch let’s goooo! Did you grab a gun!?”

“…”

And then everyone would die as a result of Artyom and his lack of communication with everyone and everything.

But then there are other times where it works to it’s advantage and benefit. Because it continues to take you deeper down the rabbit hole.

For example:

Something bat shit coo-coo bananas happens. You’re ambushed and somebody in your group is killed and another is dragged off or wounded. When the smoke clears and everything goes quiet again, someone will look at you and say something similar to “Wow Artyom, that got pretty hectic, huh?”

At this point I will say “Hot fuck. Yeah. We almost died man.” to my computer screen. This gives a slightly more engaging experience because Artyom probably doesn’t have words for what just happened. But I do. So instead of hearing Artyom mutter “Yeah man you ain’t kiddin’.” I just blurt out “Hot fuck. Yeah. We almost died man.”

Oh yeah I think I screamed in this one too.

I loved everything about this game. It had a few minor flaws, and there were a few moments where these flaws slightly, if momentarily took away from the experience. But as I said they were brief, and soon after I was talking to my computer screen and shouting and screaming.

If you are a fan of the S.T.A.L.K.E.R series or Fallout 3, you may enjoy this game. Although I would recommend this to S.T.A.L.K.E.R fans over Fallout 3 fans simply because apart from the post-apocalyptic setting, Fallout and this game don’t have much else in common.

Another odd thing about this game is that the in-game currency is high grade military ammunition. Not money. Not bottle caps. Just high grade ammunition. It’s a bit weird at first, because the only way you can tell the difference between the low grade ammo you use to shoot mutants with, and the high grade is that the high grade is slightly shinier than the low grade. And for whatever reason if you hold the R key for an extra second or so you will actually load your military grade ammo into the gun you’re currently using. Which is nice, because the high grade ammo does a lot more damage, but at the same time it’s used as currency. So at one point I loaded the high grade ammo into my assault rifle and kicked ass for a while. But when I moved onto a new metro station I didn’t have any way to purchase med-kits or gas mask filters. Or anything.

“YAHOOO I DUN KILLED DEM MUTANTS WIT’ DIS HERE HIGH GRADE AMMU-NISHIN. OHHHH BAY-BAY LOOK AT DEM CORPSES SMOKE.”

“And now you can’t afford to buy anything back at the station. Good job shit head.”

Also, I fucking love those Russian accents. It makes the game that much better. Cori and I briefly picked up on the Russian accent and used it while playing Bad Company 2.

I’d jump up in the air and fire a rocket from my RPG and shout “IZ RUSSIAN, NO?” and he’d ragdoll across the screen. Good times.

The evolution of the Resident Evil series.

**I’d like to note that this article contains some spoilers. But you should probably just read it anyways because I am trying to save you near the end of this ride on a roller coaster straight out of HELL**

The Resident Evil video games.

Ah. I played them when I was just a kid. I kicked off the series with Resident Evil 1, on the Playstation 1. This game established my love for zombies, as well as survival horror games.

Also, the level of cheesiness is just staggering.

But back then, it was the best game I owned. But later on down the road, Resident Evil 2 came out for Playstation 1. And I picked it up as soon as I could.

I don’t even know how, but both of these now ancient games used to scare the hell out of me. I mean it was just a zombie smashing some glass and then some loud orchestrated music would blare out of the TV; and then I would drop my controller and run out of the room. I mean the games are really dated now. But they’re classics, and they established a love for an entire genre of games.

Resident Evil 1 and 2 were pretty simple and straightforward. I mean you get guns, and you kill zombies and eventually some crazy ass monsters. The actual storyline is so-so. Back when I was a kid I didn’t have the attention span or intelligence to really grasp what was going on. But now that I am an adult I just laugh at everything that happens as the story progresses.

I mean in a real life scenario, I think Romero-style zombies would be a damn joke. But I’ll save THAT subject for another post, another day. Anyways. So down the road from Resident Evil we get Resident Evil 3, also for Playstation 1.

I also picked up Resident Evil 3, and I really, really enjoyed it. I mean after watching that intro you know you’re in for some wild shit. Especially at the 1:56 mark in the video where the zombies KNOW HOW TO USE ELEVATORS. WHAT.

But luckily that doesn’t really happen in the game.  And truth be told that video is kind of a load of shit. Because all of the policemen and special ops guys shoot dozens of rounds into the zombies and they are just unfazed. But when you’re actually playing the game you can kill most zombies with a few pistol rounds.

Yep.

This game was released in September of 1999. After the turn of the millennium, the whole new generation of game consoles were released. Such as the Xbox, Gamecube, Sega Dreamcast, and Playstation 2.

And in January of 2005 we were finally given Resident Evil 4.

When I started playing it took a bit of getting used to the weird over-the-shoulder camera angle the game had taken on. Because all of the old games had this really weird style where the camera would shift around to random angles all over the place. It was kind of like trying to get a really stubborn bird to hold the camera in one place, and every time you approach where the bird is it swiftly flies away to another position in the room. But then if you run in the opposite direction of the bird it gets curious and follows you into the next room. At which point you’ll turn a corner as the bird goes through a ventilation shaft to enter the next room all stealth-like; but the bird will arrive a moment too late and you’ll run right into a zombie that will eat your face. It wasn’t really the best camera angle work but it was unique at the time. And thinking about it now the game would have been weird as hell to play with a third person view and a first person view would have been near impossible.

But with Resident Evil 4 they went with the over-the-shoulder view which was a fairly new concept at the time of it’s release. So after getting adjusted to the new camera angle and running around for a few moments I set off. But after encountering the “zombies” in the nearby village, I was really put off.

I’d also like to note that Chris Redfield, pictured above and to the left; has the biggest ass in video game history since Lara Croft.

Because they were no longer zombies that slowly shambled towards you and moaned and grunted; they now would jog towards you and throw fucking spears and household kitchen cutlery. At first it was kind of overwhelming and a bit absurd. I expected the experience from previous games, wondering where the old George Romero style zombies had all gone off to,  and that’s when I was slapped in the face with a meat cleaver.

Then it really kicked in. Although this changed the entire core elements of the series; and I already missed the shambling undead of yesteryear, the conflict that followed the unwarranted cleaver slap was the most intense and crazed moments of my gaming career. Except for Amnesia, but we’ll leave that sore subject for another day.

Somewhere between the release of the next-gen consoles and Resident Evil 4, there stood a magnificently done Resident Evil film that slapped the box office across the mouth with it’s half flaccid penis.

I went to go see the film with a couple family members and a friend. All of us were expecting something along the lines of the live action clip from the first game (see above) but instead were hit with something completely different. While I did enjoy the film, I was completely puzzled as to who the hell this “Alice” character was, and why I should care. But after the story developed a bit and some key points were revealed, I started to think Alice was a bit of alright.

The film itself stands up pretty well, especially with the first 15 or so minutes showing how the virus breaks out in the Hive. Which was more or less a mystery Scooby Doo and the gang couldn’t figure out to save their damn private investigating careers.

At this point I was going to say that Thomas Jane did really well in Resident Evil. But then I realized that it wasn’t Thomas Jane, but an actor named James Purefoy. Well what the hell they look exactly alike.



Anyways. The film overall was pretty well done and I enjoyed it, even though it strayed from the games pretty damn far.

In 2004 we were given Resident Evil:Apocalypse. The sequel to the original film. Without spoiling it for the couple dozen people in the entire world that haven’t seen the first film, I’ll say that the ending made me squeal like a girl because I was under the impression that the sequel would contain considerably more zombie killing action. And in fact the second film was perfectly fine until this scene:

After this scene ended, I briefly considered getting up and walking out of the movie theater, into the parking lot; and then I would have asked someone to kindly back their car over my fucking head. After that scene ended I was convinced that would be the only bad part of the entire movie. The ridiculous shit would end right then and there, and Alice and her new friends would head outside to shoot some zombies. Or maybe they’d have a picnic.

Instead the movie shoveled this bullshit into my face:

I’m 100% positive that when the director went to film this portion of the movie, the entire filming crew was on break at the same time. So they just gave the camera to an autistic monkey that was bouncing around on a family-size trampoline.

I don’t even understand the bullshit where the camera shakes around furiously whenever a handful of zombies come into frame. It’s like the cameraman slammed down several shots of cappuccino and then snorted some coke through a rolled up $20 bill; then proceeded to do the filming for the better part of half the duration of the movie.

After THIS part I really thought it was over. I was hoping for the best. Please let something come out of the fucking blue and just save this film.

It didn’t disappoint:

Actually, yes it did. In probably the worst way possible. I’d also like to note that the guard at 1:31 in that video looks exactly like a young Fred Ward from Tremors II.

The only thing I can compare this to is the scene in Braveheart, where a random Scotsman yells out before the Battle of Stirling that “William Wallace is seven feet tall” and he “Consumes the English with fireballs” etc, etc. And the way Resident Evil and Braveheart could have been similar would have been if Mel Gibson had stepped down off of his horse and immediately started shooting fireballs from his hands like a fucking X-Men character.

We’re not done. There’s still another god damn abomination I have to talk about.

Okay. So then 2007 brings us Resident Evil:Extinction. The third entry in the series, and the one that will undoubtedly kill my love for anything and everything. Within the first 30 minutes of the film, this scene comes along and immediately destroys all hope I had:

What?

And then after most of my brainpower had been drained and I was just waiting for the damn credits to roll, I was hit with this:

At the 5:00 mark in the video I just wanted to swing on a chandelier and stick a knife into the top of the movie screen. And then slowly slide all the way down the screen, splitting it in two.

Several years passed and I didn’t hear anything about another movie.

Resident Evil 5 came in 2009, and we finally saw Chris Redfield again after a long absence from the main RE games. But now Chris Redfield has biceps the size of Volkswagon Beetles and his level of intelligence has dropped significantly from high school/college graduate with years of military experience under his belt to becoming this ‘roid monkey that is hell bent on completing his mission with Sheva. He is with Sheva throughout the game and he affectionately refers to her as “partner” from start to fucking finish. I don’t think he ever calls her by her actual name more than twice. The first time being shortly after they are introduced, and the second time being if she ever dies in the game; but if he had screamed “PARTNEEEERRRR” instead of “SHEVUHHHHH” I would have uninstalled the game and hit the disc with a jackhammer. The dialogue between the two throughout the entire game consists of “We’ve got a mission to finish, partner.” “Watch out partner!” “We’ve come too far to stop now, partner.” Or some other combination of “partner” and a statement that holds very little relevance and is hardly worth remembering.

And the game play is so similar to RE4 it’s god damn absurd.

“Don’t stop yet, partner. I’ve got a job to finish.” -Chris Redfield during sex.

Regardless I did enjoy RE5 and I played it all the way through to the rather ridiculous ending that vaguely reminded me of the movies.

Speaking of which, it was around the time I finished this game I heard rumor of a new RE movie on the horizon. Titled Resident Evil:Afterlife.

After Extinction, I didn’t really want to go see Afterlife. So first I checked out the trailer on Youtube a week or so after it was released in theaters before making my final decision:

The first 30 seconds or so were kind of promising.

Planes everywhere. Okay. That connects with the last movie.

And then…well.

I saw this:

“imma wesley snipes blade lolz”

And then, just as I thought my frustration had peaked. This:

To this day I do not acknowledge that this film exists.

I think if I had to name one truly great thing that came from this series, it would have to be Jill Valentine.

I don’t know if any young teenagers or easily offended people are reading this, so I’ll keep it G-rated.

This woman gives me an erection so powerful it busts the seams of my jeans.

Written review of the film “2012” *Contains spoilers*

I saw the trailer for this film during previews that were the prelude to another film I paid to watch in a movie theater.  Way back in late 2008 and early 2009 there was a lot of hype around this film. Even I was excited to see it after seeing the trailer. A trailer that gives this sense of massive destruction on a global scale. I thought that the film would be fantastic.

I had also always liked John Cusack as an actor. I had enjoyed his role in Con Air and The Thin Red Line. So I was excited to see him in 2012. But unfortunately when the film finally released I was unable to see it in theaters as I had originally planned. On several occasions I tried to organize some friends and go watch it the same week it opened up in theaters.

However, a couple years down the road I obtained a Netflix account with the ability to instantly watch movies online from my desktop computer. And one of the first few movies I DID watch, was 2012.

And despite the hype, and my general good feelings towards Mr.Cusack; I am here to tell you the film was abysmal. Not in a “Oh man. I just stepped in dog shit and tracked it in on the nice new carpet.” kind of abysmal. I mean ” “Oh man. This guy just showed me 2 girls 1 cup while I was eating chocolate ice cream.” sort of abysmal.

This is a good example of how ridiculous this movie is, and how John Cusack’s character is an invincible professional stunt man:

The funny thing is the music suits this clip, and the entire movie perfectly. My favorite part is where they drive past a busted water main and it sprays nasty shit water all over the car. It would have been better if it sprayed all over Amanda Peet’s face.

John Cusack plays Jackson Curtis, a science fiction writer that; like most writers, is struggling financially. A nasty divorce left him single, unhappy, and a big fat assed child support payment. Cusack plays the character pretty well throughout, but the some of the supporting cast could use a slap across the face with a fish. Which leads me to the next star of 2012: Amanda Peet.

Amanda Peet plays Kate Curtis. Jackson Curtis’ bitch of an ex-wife that steals his kids away and marries a cowardly plastic surgeon from Pansy-Dickhead-Ville named Gordon Silberman. He has his Ph.D but that does not negate the fact that he has an asshole for a face. He constantly spews out complete and utter bullshit, and through most of the film I wished he would have been crushed by a falling bus or something similar.

Jackson Curtis’ kids are unimportant. Because like in most films whenever something crazy occurs; like say a zombie apocalypse, or a massive natural disaster, or an alien invasion; anyone under the age of 18 or so is usually portrayed as a gigantic puss-cake that cannot fight or handle a weapon correctly. And they constantly scream, run, and hide; while relying entirely on adults to complete the task at hand. Except for the film Zombieland. Most of the cast from that film are young, and they had a two-for-one sale on ass kicking. They massacred those zombies, and keep in mind one of them had a double barrel shotgun the whole time. AND that movie had Emma Stone’s sexy ass. Mmmmm.

Ahem. Anyways.

As I mentioned before the film is filled with absurd moments and constant cliff-hangers where our hero Jackson Curtis Superman very narrowly escapes death over and over. By the end of the film the whole technique is tired and stupid. There’s even one point where the  amateur pilot (yeah, about as amateur as the fucking Red Baron) Gordon manages to barely slip between two falling adjacent skyscrapers. Sound like a bit too much? Look for yourself.

If you pause the video at 1:53 you’ll see what my face looked like while I watched this shit-festival of a movie.

If you have the attention span of a goldfish and like lots of noises and explosions to keep your mind occupied, then you’ll love 2012. However if your IQ is at least 60 points higher than your shoe size, then avoid it like an STD.