Random movie review time! Today:Limitless (2011)

I just finished watching this movie on Netflix, so while it is still fresh in my mind I made the decision to write a review for it rather than trying to go to bed and sleep. I like to sleep.

Before you go any further, please note that this review contains spoilers. So go watch the trailer and then decide if you even want to see this movie before you read on. Yeah.

The main character in this film, who is the center of attention at all times, and also narrates the story is Eddie Morra. He is portrayed by actor Bradley Cooper. I have heard of Bradley before, but I have only seen him in one other film…Wait, actually I haven’t seen him in anything else. Which is surprising to me because he seems really damn familiar. I looked through his IMDb page and I have not seen any of the movies he has also starred in. Even The Hangover, and I’m pretty sure I am the only human being on  the planet that has not seen The Hangover. So I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to take him serious. But luckily he ended up being very sharp and intelligent, which I’m going to assume is the opposite of his character in The Hangover movies.

He spends a good 60% of the film with this look on his face, however.

After being in The Hangover and The Hangover Part 2 he still has the capability to pull off a serious role. Pretty well, I might add. Even though I hadn’t seen him in any other film I actually liked him right off the bat. Or rather I liked his character. A struggling writer living in big New York City, barely making ends meet and living in a shit hole of an apartment. Sounds like a glimpse at my future self, to be honest. But eventually, after his relationship with his girlfriend fails and his book looks like it will fall flat, he randomly encounters his ex-brother-in-law. We’re given a bit of insight into who this guy used to be, and it becomes clear that he used to deal drugs and run with some really shady characters. Bradley Cooper explains that he is having some serious writer’s block, and he thinks he is going to lose his apartment. So the brother-in-law offers an excellent solution. TAKE THIS PILL, DUDE. He takes it, and heads home. When he gets to the top of the stairs, this sexy Asian chick starts bitching (NSFW) at him merely moments after he swallows the pill. So naturally the pill takes it’s affects and he has some crazy sex with her.

The film actually has some pretty cool cinematic and visual effects in it as well. Like in this scene.

I would love to be able to do Bruce Lee’s kick ass fighting moves, I think that’s all I would do after taking this pill. Holy shit I’m gonna watch that video again hold on.

 

Alright. Anyways.

I really loved this movie, but there was one thing that really annoyed the hell out of me with the main character’s decisions.

He never really uses his “powers” for any sort of good. He gets his book published, he practically takes over a big investing/Wall Street corporation, and he has tons of sex with different women. If I were given the pill I would at least try to do some good, I wouldn’t become this uptight rich dick head like he does. He also uses it for a lot of bullshit testosterone-fueled stuff like getting money, fucking, having power, and fighting random people.

I would just pop into some big government funded laboratory and say “Oh. The cure for AIDS? Cancer? You’re doin’ it wrong. Here lemme show you.” Boom. Hundreds of millions of lives saved. I would then become Time’s Man of the Year, forever. Until some fucker comes along and invents a working, economical, safe jet pack for practical (and slightly impractical) uses. Holy SHIT I could do that. Nevermind, I would be Time’s Man of the Year forever.

Anyways. Robert De Niro makes an appearance in this film but he doesn’t really play a huge part. His part isn’t insignificant, but he doesn’t have a lot of lines and he doesn’t yell at anybody. He usually shows up and gives us this face for a few minutes and then slips off screen.

 

It was slightly disappointing too. Because I saw De Niro (and I had no prior knowledge of him being in the film at all) and I got excited, expecting a stellar performance out of him as usual. But here…meh. He’s good as a Wall Street executive type, but he just doesn’t have much to work with. Because the only other person he really interacts with is Cooper, and sparks don’t exactly fly between them the way it did with Pacino in Heat or Righteous Kill. But of course Heat was back in ’95 and De Niro had a good decade and a half of age ahead of him. Anyways. Whatever. I saw De Niro and got kind of giddy. Well really I just made a face similar to this and hoped he would yell a lot and shoot a few people.

Me basking in the glow of De Niro. Yes, I am a former Viking.

But when De Niro DIDN’T shoot anybody (even though there were several action scenes) I was rather sad. And slightly irritated. Because Cooper continued to use his powers for dickhole reasons and not good reasons. He rigged the stock system to make millions of dollars, and he spent his free time in beautiful coastal cities, in Europe, and in fancy sports cars driving really fast, the way a dickhead does.

Honestly, it’s like Superman using his powers to rob banks and just be an asshole in general. Why no cures for diseases? Why no helping old women across the street? Why don’t you help anybody else Cooper? WHY?!

Towards the end of the movie you can see that he has started on the path of becoming a politician so he can steer the United States (and probably the whole world) out of harms way, and to world peace. Or he’ll probably just be assassinated.

Yeah. He’d probably just be assassinated.

What a wonderful world we live in.

What. A. Wonderful. World.

Review of The Thing (2011)

Earlier today at the movie theater I had the choice between three films. I say only three because the rest of the films weren’t really much of a choice. Because they looked like giant pieces of shit.

I had a choice between a film titled 50/50

Being a fan of Seth Rogen I was originally considering this one immediately. But I looked around and then I saw a poster for Johhny English:Reborn

I had no idea that this was coming to theaters or anything. I remember the first Johnny English film being fantastic, and Rowan Atkinson giving a hilarious performance as always.

And finally I saw a big poster for The Thing

Watching a scary movie without a group of friends is kind of lame. And even more lame would be watching a scary movie without friends at 11AM on a Sunday.

So naturally I went with The Thing.

Unsurprisingly, the theater was completely empty save for a middle aged couple that were literally one row away from the screen. I have never been able to understand people that sit in the front section of seats at the theater. Unless they have terrible eyesight, then I suppose it would make sense. Sort of.

I guess it’s just personal preference. I remember I sat really close to the screen a few times before, but I was also seven or eight years old and I had my head up my ass. And as I said these people were middle aged. So I guess they just like sitting so close to the screen they break a vertebrae in their necks while trying to watch the movie.

Right. So I went with The Thing. I could sort of remember seeing the film from 1982, most likely on AMC or something one night. I specifically remembered how bad the special effects in the 1982 version were.

Anyways. I’ll go ahead and break down this movie real quick.

The special effects all throughout were great. The alien monster thing was incredibly fucked up looking. And it reminded me a lot of the Necromorphs from Dead Space.

That’s about right.

Minus Isaac Clarke of course. One of the better bad mother fuckers in video gaming history. He’s almost as cool as Doomguy. But we’ll save Doomguy for another post, and another day. Because Doomguy cannot be contained to a simple one paragraph long dedication. Doomguy deserves at least an entire post dedicated to him. Actually probably an entire blog dedicated to him. Yep.

Yeah. Doomguy.

Right. So the special effects were great.

Of course they are being compared to this:

So I mean they could have probably used anything (when I say anything I mean just some random shit laying around the set. Like scotch tape and like some rubber hoses or some shit I don’t know.) and it would have turned out better than this. I mean this isn’t even scary it’s just comical.

Unfortunately I was only familiar with two of the actors. The rest were actors I don’t think I had ever seen before in any other film. I recognized two actors. A black man named Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (I can’t begin to pronounce that. Although this man has an incredibly odd and hard to pronounce name, I still think he kicks anything and everything that resembles an ass.)

He doesn’t play a major role in the film, but the few lines and parts he does have he does well as a comic relief. And when he isn’t being a comic relief he’s busy shooting everything with a flamethrower. Yeah. Because that’s just what he does. I have a feeling that if there wasn’t some fucked up mutating assimilating alien monster running around he would probably still be setting things on fire with a flamethrower because that’s just how he does shit.

And the other actor I recognized was Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She did pretty well in this film, although admittedly I don’t think she had much to work with. Most of the other actors seemed to be more like extras rather than actual functioning and developing characters; and unfortunately even Winstead’s character didn’t seem to have any sort of development either.

My problem with this film is that there just isn’t enough build up to the point where the monster breaks out of it’s icy tomb and starts eating people and tearing off limbs. The film definitely needed to be paced better, because it just throws you right into the shit with only 20 or so minutes preceding it. And those 20 minutes are mostly spent looking at snow. And more snow. And some hills that are covered in snow. Oh yeah and there’s this really interesting part with some more goddamn snow. I understand it’s in Antarctica, but I’d like for there to be a shot where the President gets a call in the White House that some fucked up alien has been brought to life and it could potentially kill a dozen or so people somewhere completely isolated in Antarctica. Because to be honest that seems like a scenario where very few would be affected.

“Shit. Everybody! There’s some fucked up mutating alien monster in Antarctica!”

“Yeah? So?”

“Well it’s there! And…uh…shit. Yeah it’s probably just going to freeze to death in a day or two.”

“Guys I think there might be more snow down here.”

In conclusion, The Thing is a pretty decent film. It’s best if you go watch it with some friends so you can discuss it a little later on after you’ve left the theater. It’s a pretty average horror movie, with the typical “BOO” kind of scares you can expect. You know what I mean? Several seconds of silence followed by a loud as all hell orchestra hit and then a rat comes out from behind something. Or maybe several seconds of silence and then the main character turns around and runs into either a friend or whatever the hell he/she is running from; followed by the loud as all hell orchestra hit. Yeah. Anyways. That kinda shit happens several times throughout the film. Stick with what you know I guess.

Anybody who has been visiting this blog for at least a few months now should remember my massive “The Evolution of the Resident Evil series” post that I put up sometime in August. You may also remember towards the end of that post I confessed how Jill Valentine in the second RE film gave me “an erection so hard it made the seam of my jeans bust.”

Well Jill. Consider your ass REPLACED.

Aw yeah. Yeah. I’d love to take her out to dinner and respect her boundaries.

Worst Movie Award for 2010

Many movies came out in 2010, but there is one that stood out for me: The Human Centipede. Until it hit DVD, I never heard of this movie. Sadly, I wish I never did at all. There was a reason it hadn’t made it to me, and there is a clear reason why this is making it to you.

Because I am trying to warn you, and keep your mind clean.

You probably want to tell me, “But my mind is desensitized, disgusting, violent, and perverted. How can you, of all people, keep my mind clean?” First, dear sir, I might as well give you the birth of the movies premise. The director and writer of the film, Tom Six, once had a really good joke about child molesters. This joke was about how their faces should be attached to the back-end of a very fat and dirty truck driver. From here, I suppose, something must have clicked for Tom because this good year of film appreciation came to end for me.

All it took was this 92 minute film to disappoint me completely in film as artistic expression (or in any way as an entertainment medium).

The movie opens with a man sitting in a car. He is looking at some pictures, weeping. Perhaps a loved one has died, you imagine. Then you see the pictures, only to see dogs seemingly sniffing each others asses in a line of three. Yes, this man is very saddened at some sort of memory associated with this stupidity. Not long after this, a trucker pulls up and runs out of his car with a roll of toilet paper. The crazed dog-lover then gets out of his car with a rifle to shoot the trucker as he is shitting in the back woods.

Sorry, I have spoiled the beginning of the film. No wait, I am not sorry at all – I am doing you a favor by writing this spoiler of an article. Either keep reading so that the movie is ruined for you, or stop reading so that maybe the film itself can ruin your life.

Crash Course Plot Spoiler From Hell Presents, The Human Centipede:

Weeping man in car. He must have a fetish for dogs, and hatred for truckers. Two ditsy American girls get lost in Germany on their way to a club, only to wander through the woods on foot to the house of the weeping man.

American girls are drugged, and wake up in a cellar strapped to hospital beds near the trucker who gets killed now that he “doesn’t fit”. He is a fat, worthless man. He is replaced with a Japanese guy who only speaks his native language. The film now becomes a mesh of three languages: German, English, and Japanese. Subtitles respectfully given.

Weeping man gives a presentation. He reveals that he has spent his life operating on separating Siamese twins. His true goal is now to connect three people in a line, making a “human centipede.” The Japanese man is the lead, with the two girls behind him permanently face-planted into each others asses. The way the women receive nourishment is by…well, being “fed” by the one they are connected to. Yes, this is really the plot.

Surgery is a success, now the film is about training “the centipede” as a pet and how much it sucks to be a human centipede. Eventually, detectives show up going, “What the ef?” since there are abandoned cars and missing people. The weeping man denies involvement, and the detectives go to get a warrant.

Scheisse! The weeping man goes to the cellar to find the human centipede has moved! Swift vengeance, and an escape attempt that fails. The weeping man drags himself for a final battle with the centipede. The Japanese lead ends up laughing with a monologue about karma, suffering, and the “funny world” they live in. He slits his own throat. The girl who is last in line dies. The girl in the middle lives but…is “stuck.” Detectives burst in for face off with weeping man. All three die in stupid shoot out. End of movie.

Pretty cool huh? There is much more to this, but really, it is a waste of your time. Tell your loved ones not to watch it, and tell your enemies to watch it with their loved ones.

Avoid this villain of the film world. Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara. Good bye.

From the cluttered desk of,
The Bucket