Many movies came out in 2010, but there is one that stood out for me: The Human Centipede. Until it hit DVD, I never heard of this movie. Sadly, I wish I never did at all. There was a reason it hadn’t made it to me, and there is a clear reason why this is making it to you.
Because I am trying to warn you, and keep your mind clean.
You probably want to tell me, “But my mind is desensitized, disgusting, violent, and perverted. How can you, of all people, keep my mind clean?” First, dear sir, I might as well give you the birth of the movies premise. The director and writer of the film, Tom Six, once had a really good joke about child molesters. This joke was about how their faces should be attached to the back-end of a very fat and dirty truck driver. From here, I suppose, something must have clicked for Tom because this good year of film appreciation came to end for me.
All it took was this 92 minute film to disappoint me completely in film as artistic expression (or in any way as an entertainment medium).
The movie opens with a man sitting in a car. He is looking at some pictures, weeping. Perhaps a loved one has died, you imagine. Then you see the pictures, only to see dogs seemingly sniffing each others asses in a line of three. Yes, this man is very saddened at some sort of memory associated with this stupidity. Not long after this, a trucker pulls up and runs out of his car with a roll of toilet paper. The crazed dog-lover then gets out of his car with a rifle to shoot the trucker as he is shitting in the back woods.
Sorry, I have spoiled the beginning of the film. No wait, I am not sorry at all – I am doing you a favor by writing this spoiler of an article. Either keep reading so that the movie is ruined for you, or stop reading so that maybe the film itself can ruin your life.
Crash Course Plot Spoiler From Hell Presents, The Human Centipede:
Weeping man in car. He must have a fetish for dogs, and hatred for truckers. Two ditsy American girls get lost in Germany on their way to a club, only to wander through the woods on foot to the house of the weeping man.
American girls are drugged, and wake up in a cellar strapped to hospital beds near the trucker who gets killed now that he “doesn’t fit”. He is a fat, worthless man. He is replaced with a Japanese guy who only speaks his native language. The film now becomes a mesh of three languages: German, English, and Japanese. Subtitles respectfully given.
Weeping man gives a presentation. He reveals that he has spent his life operating on separating Siamese twins. His true goal is now to connect three people in a line, making a “human centipede.” The Japanese man is the lead, with the two girls behind him permanently face-planted into each others asses. The way the women receive nourishment is by…well, being “fed” by the one they are connected to. Yes, this is really the plot.
Surgery is a success, now the film is about training “the centipede” as a pet and how much it sucks to be a human centipede. Eventually, detectives show up going, “What the ef?” since there are abandoned cars and missing people. The weeping man denies involvement, and the detectives go to get a warrant.
Scheisse! The weeping man goes to the cellar to find the human centipede has moved! Swift vengeance, and an escape attempt that fails. The weeping man drags himself for a final battle with the centipede. The Japanese lead ends up laughing with a monologue about karma, suffering, and the “funny world” they live in. He slits his own throat. The girl who is last in line dies. The girl in the middle lives but…is “stuck.” Detectives burst in for face off with weeping man. All three die in stupid shoot out. End of movie.
Pretty cool huh? There is much more to this, but really, it is a waste of your time. Tell your loved ones not to watch it, and tell your enemies to watch it with their loved ones.
Avoid this villain of the film world. Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara. Good bye.
From the cluttered desk of,