Random movie review time! Today:Limitless (2011)

I just finished watching this movie on Netflix, so while it is still fresh in my mind I made the decision to write a review for it rather than trying to go to bed and sleep. I like to sleep.

Before you go any further, please note that this review contains spoilers. So go watch the trailer and then decide if you even want to see this movie before you read on. Yeah.

The main character in this film, who is the center of attention at all times, and also narrates the story is Eddie Morra. He is portrayed by actor Bradley Cooper. I have heard of Bradley before, but I have only seen him in one other film…Wait, actually I haven’t seen him in anything else. Which is surprising to me because he seems really damn familiar. I looked through his IMDb page and I have not seen any of the movies he has also starred in. Even The Hangover, and I’m pretty sure I am the only human being on  the planet that has not seen The Hangover. So I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to take him serious. But luckily he ended up being very sharp and intelligent, which I’m going to assume is the opposite of his character in The Hangover movies.

He spends a good 60% of the film with this look on his face, however.

After being in The Hangover and The Hangover Part 2 he still has the capability to pull off a serious role. Pretty well, I might add. Even though I hadn’t seen him in any other film I actually liked him right off the bat. Or rather I liked his character. A struggling writer living in big New York City, barely making ends meet and living in a shit hole of an apartment. Sounds like a glimpse at my future self, to be honest. But eventually, after his relationship with his girlfriend fails and his book looks like it will fall flat, he randomly encounters his ex-brother-in-law. We’re given a bit of insight into who this guy used to be, and it becomes clear that he used to deal drugs and run with some really shady characters. Bradley Cooper explains that he is having some serious writer’s block, and he thinks he is going to lose his apartment. So the brother-in-law offers an excellent solution. TAKE THIS PILL, DUDE. He takes it, and heads home. When he gets to the top of the stairs, this sexy Asian chick starts bitching (NSFW) at him merely moments after he swallows the pill. So naturally the pill takes it’s affects and he has some crazy sex with her.

The film actually has some pretty cool cinematic and visual effects in it as well. Like in this scene.

I would love to be able to do Bruce Lee’s kick ass fighting moves, I think that’s all I would do after taking this pill. Holy shit I’m gonna watch that video again hold on.

 

Alright. Anyways.

I really loved this movie, but there was one thing that really annoyed the hell out of me with the main character’s decisions.

He never really uses his “powers” for any sort of good. He gets his book published, he practically takes over a big investing/Wall Street corporation, and he has tons of sex with different women. If I were given the pill I would at least try to do some good, I wouldn’t become this uptight rich dick head like he does. He also uses it for a lot of bullshit testosterone-fueled stuff like getting money, fucking, having power, and fighting random people.

I would just pop into some big government funded laboratory and say “Oh. The cure for AIDS? Cancer? You’re doin’ it wrong. Here lemme show you.” Boom. Hundreds of millions of lives saved. I would then become Time’s Man of the Year, forever. Until some fucker comes along and invents a working, economical, safe jet pack for practical (and slightly impractical) uses. Holy SHIT I could do that. Nevermind, I would be Time’s Man of the Year forever.

Anyways. Robert De Niro makes an appearance in this film but he doesn’t really play a huge part. His part isn’t insignificant, but he doesn’t have a lot of lines and he doesn’t yell at anybody. He usually shows up and gives us this face for a few minutes and then slips off screen.

 

It was slightly disappointing too. Because I saw De Niro (and I had no prior knowledge of him being in the film at all) and I got excited, expecting a stellar performance out of him as usual. But here…meh. He’s good as a Wall Street executive type, but he just doesn’t have much to work with. Because the only other person he really interacts with is Cooper, and sparks don’t exactly fly between them the way it did with Pacino in Heat or Righteous Kill. But of course Heat was back in ’95 and De Niro had a good decade and a half of age ahead of him. Anyways. Whatever. I saw De Niro and got kind of giddy. Well really I just made a face similar to this and hoped he would yell a lot and shoot a few people.

Me basking in the glow of De Niro. Yes, I am a former Viking.

But when De Niro DIDN’T shoot anybody (even though there were several action scenes) I was rather sad. And slightly irritated. Because Cooper continued to use his powers for dickhole reasons and not good reasons. He rigged the stock system to make millions of dollars, and he spent his free time in beautiful coastal cities, in Europe, and in fancy sports cars driving really fast, the way a dickhead does.

Honestly, it’s like Superman using his powers to rob banks and just be an asshole in general. Why no cures for diseases? Why no helping old women across the street? Why don’t you help anybody else Cooper? WHY?!

Towards the end of the movie you can see that he has started on the path of becoming a politician so he can steer the United States (and probably the whole world) out of harms way, and to world peace. Or he’ll probably just be assassinated.

Yeah. He’d probably just be assassinated.

What a wonderful world we live in.

What. A. Wonderful. World.

“Don’t get out of here, Stalker.” The Bucket Edition

I’ve come out of hibernation and college finals to say not just a few words, but many. As a response to mistermcconnell’s post about the possible closing of GSC Game World, I am also posting to honor the glory of the STALKER series…

And to the hope that STALKER 2 will one day grace the earth from the depths of Chernobyl.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

STALKER: Shadow of Chernobyl

The first game is set in 2012, within “The Zone” surrounding Chernobyl. Many highly valuable artifacts are to be looted, factions to befriend or fight-off, mutated packs of dogs to be avoided, and odd-jobs to be completed. Here, you are injected into an RPG/FPS hybrid of a very cool sandbox-styled way to play.

You wake up with amnesia, after being found among dead bodies with a tattoo of “S.T.A.L.K.E.R.” on your right arm. On you was found a PDA that merely says, “Kill Strelok.” So what do you do? You were found among dead bodies as the only one living, have amnesia, are among the desolate void called The Zone, and seem to have left yourself a message from the other-side: kill some dude.

That is the main plot: Find Strelok, and find out who you are. The rest of the game is made up of side-quests with missions between factions that exist in The Zone.

Factions/Groups:
Military
Stalkers
Bandits
Duty Faction
Freedom Faction

Factions: Join them, kill them, or be neutral

Duty are the a-holes that wish to bring order to The Zone, and so they treat everybody who isn’t Duty like scum. You suck, and you are not allowed here. This is ours, and we are protecting the outside world from The Zone. At the Duty base, there is also the infamous Duty member who stares at you and never stops repeating these exact words: “Get out of here, Stalker.” “Get out of here, Stalker.” “Get out of here, Stalker.”

Then there is Freedom, and they are the surfer hippies of The Zone. Peace, love, and freedom. You will almost always hear Freedom members say, “Dude.” Pretty cool cats, even if sounding retarded half of the time.

What about the mutants? Enough about the people.

The Bloodsucker

Mutated Vampire from Hell

This thing will scare the hell out of everybody the first time you see it underground, as you are fleeing military personnel.

Timeline of Blood Sucker confrontation:
“I just see floating eyeballs.” 1 second
“I see bouncing eyeballs and weird huffing.” 2 seconds
“WHAT IN THE TRIPLE FFFFFFFFFFF” 3 seconds

Later, once you know what they are, you just tell yourself “Oh God, I’m going to die” and start shooting fully-automatic silver bullets out the ass.

Now, that is just one special case. Aren’t there more? Why yes. Yes there are.

Homeless Man from The Sewers

What about ugly, homeless men? They have the power to psychically transfer their PTSD to you by merely staring at you. The screen zooms in on his horrid face and personal trauma, with the ensuing migraines damaging your health. Every time you try to do something, you can’t help but zoom in and stare at his horridly-malnourished face of pure evil. You better learn the “quicksave” key early in the game, or mutated squid-faced vampires will ruin you with the help of homeless madmen.

The game is an amazing experience, and should be played if you have never come across it. For newcomers to STALKER, and old, I wholeheartedly endorse this mod as it fixes many bugs/glitches and upgrades many aspects of the game (graphics, physics, awesomeness, etc.). That link was the direct address to the installer, while here is the summary outlining its awesome powers.

That is just the first game out of the three that have been released, and I cannot say enough about the game and it’s series. Maybe I will post again to touch on the other two games? With that said, I truly hope STALKER 2 can either be completed or picked up by a reputable gaming company for its release to the world.

–Side Note–
All pictures have been used from THQ’s website, which at the moment that I post this, just has a big image stating “Strap it On” with people falling through the air and wielding guns for Saints Row 3. This is an example of why we need more STALKER. Thank you.

“Don’t get out of here, Stalker.” A plea from a S.T.A.L.K.E.R fan

Shit.

I just heard that GSC Game World may possibly be closing. This is a huge disappointment because the S.T.A.L.K.E.R series was incredible on almost every level.

Anyone who has played  the first game of the series should know about the “Get out of here, Stalker.” glitch that occurs in the Duty base.  Gah. I’ve got so many fond memories with this game series. I also heard they announced another sequel that they were going to completely redo and overhaul everything in the game. But the future is uncertain for the sequel now that they are closing. I just hope some shitty studio doesn’t get a hold of the rights and completely destroy the game I know and love.

I am sad.

Rick Perry – The biggest asshole ever

 

What in the goddamn hell is he talking about?

A war on religion? Obama has repeatedly confirmed that he is a religious man. And for a long time (and even to this day) a lot of Conservatives called Obama a closet Muslim, and they also constantly complained about that crazy Christian pastor.

Anyways, I’ve had some problems with The Witcher AND Red Faction. So once that’s sorted out then I will have a review for both up. Bleh. Check back soon.

Double update. What?

Because my workload just isn’t big enough.

Coming sometime in the near future, from Mister Mike:”It wasn’t funny then. It isn’t funny NOW.”

Click the picture for more information. I practically have to run out of the door now.

Yeehaw.

Review of The Thing (2011)

Earlier today at the movie theater I had the choice between three films. I say only three because the rest of the films weren’t really much of a choice. Because they looked like giant pieces of shit.

I had a choice between a film titled 50/50

Being a fan of Seth Rogen I was originally considering this one immediately. But I looked around and then I saw a poster for Johhny English:Reborn

I had no idea that this was coming to theaters or anything. I remember the first Johnny English film being fantastic, and Rowan Atkinson giving a hilarious performance as always.

And finally I saw a big poster for The Thing

Watching a scary movie without a group of friends is kind of lame. And even more lame would be watching a scary movie without friends at 11AM on a Sunday.

So naturally I went with The Thing.

Unsurprisingly, the theater was completely empty save for a middle aged couple that were literally one row away from the screen. I have never been able to understand people that sit in the front section of seats at the theater. Unless they have terrible eyesight, then I suppose it would make sense. Sort of.

I guess it’s just personal preference. I remember I sat really close to the screen a few times before, but I was also seven or eight years old and I had my head up my ass. And as I said these people were middle aged. So I guess they just like sitting so close to the screen they break a vertebrae in their necks while trying to watch the movie.

Right. So I went with The Thing. I could sort of remember seeing the film from 1982, most likely on AMC or something one night. I specifically remembered how bad the special effects in the 1982 version were.

Anyways. I’ll go ahead and break down this movie real quick.

The special effects all throughout were great. The alien monster thing was incredibly fucked up looking. And it reminded me a lot of the Necromorphs from Dead Space.

That’s about right.

Minus Isaac Clarke of course. One of the better bad mother fuckers in video gaming history. He’s almost as cool as Doomguy. But we’ll save Doomguy for another post, and another day. Because Doomguy cannot be contained to a simple one paragraph long dedication. Doomguy deserves at least an entire post dedicated to him. Actually probably an entire blog dedicated to him. Yep.

Yeah. Doomguy.

Right. So the special effects were great.

Of course they are being compared to this:

So I mean they could have probably used anything (when I say anything I mean just some random shit laying around the set. Like scotch tape and like some rubber hoses or some shit I don’t know.) and it would have turned out better than this. I mean this isn’t even scary it’s just comical.

Unfortunately I was only familiar with two of the actors. The rest were actors I don’t think I had ever seen before in any other film. I recognized two actors. A black man named Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (I can’t begin to pronounce that. Although this man has an incredibly odd and hard to pronounce name, I still think he kicks anything and everything that resembles an ass.)

He doesn’t play a major role in the film, but the few lines and parts he does have he does well as a comic relief. And when he isn’t being a comic relief he’s busy shooting everything with a flamethrower. Yeah. Because that’s just what he does. I have a feeling that if there wasn’t some fucked up mutating assimilating alien monster running around he would probably still be setting things on fire with a flamethrower because that’s just how he does shit.

And the other actor I recognized was Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She did pretty well in this film, although admittedly I don’t think she had much to work with. Most of the other actors seemed to be more like extras rather than actual functioning and developing characters; and unfortunately even Winstead’s character didn’t seem to have any sort of development either.

My problem with this film is that there just isn’t enough build up to the point where the monster breaks out of it’s icy tomb and starts eating people and tearing off limbs. The film definitely needed to be paced better, because it just throws you right into the shit with only 20 or so minutes preceding it. And those 20 minutes are mostly spent looking at snow. And more snow. And some hills that are covered in snow. Oh yeah and there’s this really interesting part with some more goddamn snow. I understand it’s in Antarctica, but I’d like for there to be a shot where the President gets a call in the White House that some fucked up alien has been brought to life and it could potentially kill a dozen or so people somewhere completely isolated in Antarctica. Because to be honest that seems like a scenario where very few would be affected.

“Shit. Everybody! There’s some fucked up mutating alien monster in Antarctica!”

“Yeah? So?”

“Well it’s there! And…uh…shit. Yeah it’s probably just going to freeze to death in a day or two.”

“Guys I think there might be more snow down here.”

In conclusion, The Thing is a pretty decent film. It’s best if you go watch it with some friends so you can discuss it a little later on after you’ve left the theater. It’s a pretty average horror movie, with the typical “BOO” kind of scares you can expect. You know what I mean? Several seconds of silence followed by a loud as all hell orchestra hit and then a rat comes out from behind something. Or maybe several seconds of silence and then the main character turns around and runs into either a friend or whatever the hell he/she is running from; followed by the loud as all hell orchestra hit. Yeah. Anyways. That kinda shit happens several times throughout the film. Stick with what you know I guess.

Anybody who has been visiting this blog for at least a few months now should remember my massive “The Evolution of the Resident Evil series” post that I put up sometime in August. You may also remember towards the end of that post I confessed how Jill Valentine in the second RE film gave me “an erection so hard it made the seam of my jeans bust.”

Well Jill. Consider your ass REPLACED.

Aw yeah. Yeah. I’d love to take her out to dinner and respect her boundaries.

The evolution of the Resident Evil series.

**I’d like to note that this article contains some spoilers. But you should probably just read it anyways because I am trying to save you near the end of this ride on a roller coaster straight out of HELL**

The Resident Evil video games.

Ah. I played them when I was just a kid. I kicked off the series with Resident Evil 1, on the Playstation 1. This game established my love for zombies, as well as survival horror games.

Also, the level of cheesiness is just staggering.

But back then, it was the best game I owned. But later on down the road, Resident Evil 2 came out for Playstation 1. And I picked it up as soon as I could.

I don’t even know how, but both of these now ancient games used to scare the hell out of me. I mean it was just a zombie smashing some glass and then some loud orchestrated music would blare out of the TV; and then I would drop my controller and run out of the room. I mean the games are really dated now. But they’re classics, and they established a love for an entire genre of games.

Resident Evil 1 and 2 were pretty simple and straightforward. I mean you get guns, and you kill zombies and eventually some crazy ass monsters. The actual storyline is so-so. Back when I was a kid I didn’t have the attention span or intelligence to really grasp what was going on. But now that I am an adult I just laugh at everything that happens as the story progresses.

I mean in a real life scenario, I think Romero-style zombies would be a damn joke. But I’ll save THAT subject for another post, another day. Anyways. So down the road from Resident Evil we get Resident Evil 3, also for Playstation 1.

I also picked up Resident Evil 3, and I really, really enjoyed it. I mean after watching that intro you know you’re in for some wild shit. Especially at the 1:56 mark in the video where the zombies KNOW HOW TO USE ELEVATORS. WHAT.

But luckily that doesn’t really happen in the game.  And truth be told that video is kind of a load of shit. Because all of the policemen and special ops guys shoot dozens of rounds into the zombies and they are just unfazed. But when you’re actually playing the game you can kill most zombies with a few pistol rounds.

Yep.

This game was released in September of 1999. After the turn of the millennium, the whole new generation of game consoles were released. Such as the Xbox, Gamecube, Sega Dreamcast, and Playstation 2.

And in January of 2005 we were finally given Resident Evil 4.

When I started playing it took a bit of getting used to the weird over-the-shoulder camera angle the game had taken on. Because all of the old games had this really weird style where the camera would shift around to random angles all over the place. It was kind of like trying to get a really stubborn bird to hold the camera in one place, and every time you approach where the bird is it swiftly flies away to another position in the room. But then if you run in the opposite direction of the bird it gets curious and follows you into the next room. At which point you’ll turn a corner as the bird goes through a ventilation shaft to enter the next room all stealth-like; but the bird will arrive a moment too late and you’ll run right into a zombie that will eat your face. It wasn’t really the best camera angle work but it was unique at the time. And thinking about it now the game would have been weird as hell to play with a third person view and a first person view would have been near impossible.

But with Resident Evil 4 they went with the over-the-shoulder view which was a fairly new concept at the time of it’s release. So after getting adjusted to the new camera angle and running around for a few moments I set off. But after encountering the “zombies” in the nearby village, I was really put off.

I’d also like to note that Chris Redfield, pictured above and to the left; has the biggest ass in video game history since Lara Croft.

Because they were no longer zombies that slowly shambled towards you and moaned and grunted; they now would jog towards you and throw fucking spears and household kitchen cutlery. At first it was kind of overwhelming and a bit absurd. I expected the experience from previous games, wondering where the old George Romero style zombies had all gone off to,  and that’s when I was slapped in the face with a meat cleaver.

Then it really kicked in. Although this changed the entire core elements of the series; and I already missed the shambling undead of yesteryear, the conflict that followed the unwarranted cleaver slap was the most intense and crazed moments of my gaming career. Except for Amnesia, but we’ll leave that sore subject for another day.

Somewhere between the release of the next-gen consoles and Resident Evil 4, there stood a magnificently done Resident Evil film that slapped the box office across the mouth with it’s half flaccid penis.

I went to go see the film with a couple family members and a friend. All of us were expecting something along the lines of the live action clip from the first game (see above) but instead were hit with something completely different. While I did enjoy the film, I was completely puzzled as to who the hell this “Alice” character was, and why I should care. But after the story developed a bit and some key points were revealed, I started to think Alice was a bit of alright.

The film itself stands up pretty well, especially with the first 15 or so minutes showing how the virus breaks out in the Hive. Which was more or less a mystery Scooby Doo and the gang couldn’t figure out to save their damn private investigating careers.

At this point I was going to say that Thomas Jane did really well in Resident Evil. But then I realized that it wasn’t Thomas Jane, but an actor named James Purefoy. Well what the hell they look exactly alike.



Anyways. The film overall was pretty well done and I enjoyed it, even though it strayed from the games pretty damn far.

In 2004 we were given Resident Evil:Apocalypse. The sequel to the original film. Without spoiling it for the couple dozen people in the entire world that haven’t seen the first film, I’ll say that the ending made me squeal like a girl because I was under the impression that the sequel would contain considerably more zombie killing action. And in fact the second film was perfectly fine until this scene:

After this scene ended, I briefly considered getting up and walking out of the movie theater, into the parking lot; and then I would have asked someone to kindly back their car over my fucking head. After that scene ended I was convinced that would be the only bad part of the entire movie. The ridiculous shit would end right then and there, and Alice and her new friends would head outside to shoot some zombies. Or maybe they’d have a picnic.

Instead the movie shoveled this bullshit into my face:

I’m 100% positive that when the director went to film this portion of the movie, the entire filming crew was on break at the same time. So they just gave the camera to an autistic monkey that was bouncing around on a family-size trampoline.

I don’t even understand the bullshit where the camera shakes around furiously whenever a handful of zombies come into frame. It’s like the cameraman slammed down several shots of cappuccino and then snorted some coke through a rolled up $20 bill; then proceeded to do the filming for the better part of half the duration of the movie.

After THIS part I really thought it was over. I was hoping for the best. Please let something come out of the fucking blue and just save this film.

It didn’t disappoint:

Actually, yes it did. In probably the worst way possible. I’d also like to note that the guard at 1:31 in that video looks exactly like a young Fred Ward from Tremors II.

The only thing I can compare this to is the scene in Braveheart, where a random Scotsman yells out before the Battle of Stirling that “William Wallace is seven feet tall” and he “Consumes the English with fireballs” etc, etc. And the way Resident Evil and Braveheart could have been similar would have been if Mel Gibson had stepped down off of his horse and immediately started shooting fireballs from his hands like a fucking X-Men character.

We’re not done. There’s still another god damn abomination I have to talk about.

Okay. So then 2007 brings us Resident Evil:Extinction. The third entry in the series, and the one that will undoubtedly kill my love for anything and everything. Within the first 30 minutes of the film, this scene comes along and immediately destroys all hope I had:

What?

And then after most of my brainpower had been drained and I was just waiting for the damn credits to roll, I was hit with this:

At the 5:00 mark in the video I just wanted to swing on a chandelier and stick a knife into the top of the movie screen. And then slowly slide all the way down the screen, splitting it in two.

Several years passed and I didn’t hear anything about another movie.

Resident Evil 5 came in 2009, and we finally saw Chris Redfield again after a long absence from the main RE games. But now Chris Redfield has biceps the size of Volkswagon Beetles and his level of intelligence has dropped significantly from high school/college graduate with years of military experience under his belt to becoming this ‘roid monkey that is hell bent on completing his mission with Sheva. He is with Sheva throughout the game and he affectionately refers to her as “partner” from start to fucking finish. I don’t think he ever calls her by her actual name more than twice. The first time being shortly after they are introduced, and the second time being if she ever dies in the game; but if he had screamed “PARTNEEEERRRR” instead of “SHEVUHHHHH” I would have uninstalled the game and hit the disc with a jackhammer. The dialogue between the two throughout the entire game consists of “We’ve got a mission to finish, partner.” “Watch out partner!” “We’ve come too far to stop now, partner.” Or some other combination of “partner” and a statement that holds very little relevance and is hardly worth remembering.

And the game play is so similar to RE4 it’s god damn absurd.

“Don’t stop yet, partner. I’ve got a job to finish.” -Chris Redfield during sex.

Regardless I did enjoy RE5 and I played it all the way through to the rather ridiculous ending that vaguely reminded me of the movies.

Speaking of which, it was around the time I finished this game I heard rumor of a new RE movie on the horizon. Titled Resident Evil:Afterlife.

After Extinction, I didn’t really want to go see Afterlife. So first I checked out the trailer on Youtube a week or so after it was released in theaters before making my final decision:

The first 30 seconds or so were kind of promising.

Planes everywhere. Okay. That connects with the last movie.

And then…well.

I saw this:

“imma wesley snipes blade lolz”

And then, just as I thought my frustration had peaked. This:

To this day I do not acknowledge that this film exists.

I think if I had to name one truly great thing that came from this series, it would have to be Jill Valentine.

I don’t know if any young teenagers or easily offended people are reading this, so I’ll keep it G-rated.

This woman gives me an erection so powerful it busts the seams of my jeans.