You are about to enter a world of blocks and farm animals
This is the review of the video game Minecraft, written and edited by MisterMcConnell. Images courtesy of Gamespot, Wikipedia, and minecraft.neoseeker respectively.
Minecraft is a video game that was written in Java by a man named Markus Persson. After the completion and incredible success of Minecraft’s beta, Markus went on to create the company Mojang. He and his company now work on and update Minecraft.
Minecraft is a quirky little game. As previously stated, the game is written entirely in Java. So needless to say the game isn’t running on some suped-up advanced graphics engine, chugging along at near the speed of light, blasting incredible sound and shit-my-pants-awesome shootouts and car chases. Instead, Minecraft is running on a rather primitive engine. The end result is all of the in-game objects are rendered as blocks, and all of the characters have very little detail and are also very block-like. Surprisingly enough this works to the game’s advantage.
Being a big fan of old school games (I’ve still got my original SNES from way back when) I immediately dug Minecraft’s visual style. I felt drawn to it, the way an infant is drawn to it’s mother’s breast. I sucked Minecraft’s blocky teat dry and then I asked for seconds. Minecraft is simply an amazing game. It has only one clear object: Survive.
Minecraft has both singleplayer and multiplayer modes, and they are both very fun and very addicting. I could go on and on about how I love the game. Instead I will go ahead and slap you in the face with more in-depth details of the game.
If you start off with multiplayer you’ll have to search around the internet a bit to find servers. You can find a large list of servers fairly easy, and many Minecraft forums have links to servers etc. You connect via IP address and the game saves the IP address in the multiplayer window until you delete it manually. This is good, because you won’t have to save the IP in a text document or write it down on scrap paper somewhere.
When you play multiplayer you can be a part of different communities of people. Some servers have a group of people and all of them stick to themselves and work on their own solo projects; but some other servers have groups of people that work together on a single large project. Just do a search for “Minecraft” in the image section of Google and you’ll see massive monuments and cities and all sorts of crazy contraptions and inventions created by the Minecraft community. It really is exciting to see what spending hours and hours of your time can get you in the online world of Minecraft.
If you decide to start off with singleplayer, you’ll be presented with a menu which allows you to create a new world. When you create a new world, the game will spawn a completely random world. Supposedly no two worlds are exactly the same, and supposedly each “world” is eight times the size of Earth. I bet you’re saying:
“That’s a big fucking world, man. How will I ever explore it all?”
I know. It’s huge. Just look at it. And honestly, you may not explore all of it. Hell, you may not even explore HALF of the massive worlds that are spawned for your sole enjoyment in the singleplayer mode.
Anyways. After the world is finished being made (by you, at the click of a button. Jesus God man you’re mightier than Zeus) you will be spawned into the newly created world. You will be spawned in the middle of nowhere. There are no civilizations. There is nothing between you and creating your wildest dreams. Well, sort of. There are these annoying green bastards known only as creepers.
Holy mother Mary and Joseph I don’t know where they come from, or why they are here. I don’t know anything about them and neither does anyone else. All we do know, is that their main priority is fucking up your entire afternoon’s work in just a few seconds.Creepers are the single most terrifying enemy I have encountered in a video game. They will get the drop on you and destroy everything you hold dear to you.
This is a creeper:
This green bastard is why you’re going to become an alcoholic.
Creepers like to hide in dark places. Such as caves. But when the sun goes down, creepers prowl around all over the place.
Deserted beach? If the sun is down prepare to get fucked by a creeper.
Wide open plains? If the sun is down prepare to get fucked by a creeper.
Dark cave? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BUILD A DAMN SHELTER
Anyways, you’ll want to have a shelter built for when night finally comes. A day cycle doesn’t last that long in Minecraft. On your first day you’ll have about enough time to build a shelter. If you mess around and DON’T build a shelter, then prepare your anus for a proper creeper fisting.
A whole mess of other creepy crawly things come out at night besides the creepers.
Zombies aren’t so tough when they are alone. But if you run into a couple of them at once you better be in the shit-kickin’ mood.
There are also these gigantic sacks of monkey shit:
Skeleton archers are a big pain in the ass. They don’t even come close to the level of annoyance (and sheer terror) that creepers are on; but skeleton archers are still about as fun as hitting the tip of your dick with a hammer.
Anyways. Minecraft is an incredibly fun game. It runs at about $20 if I remember correctly. I have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of Minecraft, because I know while other people in my age demographic are out getting laid and going to parties; I’ll be inside placing 3D blocks into some sort of fucked up shape that vaguely resembles a house.
I give Minecraft a score of 8/10
I only subtract two points because of the endless amount of time you have to spend just harvesting and refining raw materials to build your shelter and craft tools etc.
In conclusion I’d say if I were placed in a dire situation and had to make tools and hunt in the wilderness for food like a caveman; I believe I would fair better than others around me.
Because I play Minecraft, motherfucker.