I saw the trailer for this film during previews that were the prelude to another film I paid to watch in a movie theater. Way back in late 2008 and early 2009 there was a lot of hype around this film. Even I was excited to see it after seeing the trailer. A trailer that gives this sense of massive destruction on a global scale. I thought that the film would be fantastic.
I had also always liked John Cusack as an actor. I had enjoyed his role in Con Air and The Thin Red Line. So I was excited to see him in 2012. But unfortunately when the film finally released I was unable to see it in theaters as I had originally planned. On several occasions I tried to organize some friends and go watch it the same week it opened up in theaters.
However, a couple years down the road I obtained a Netflix account with the ability to instantly watch movies online from my desktop computer. And one of the first few movies I DID watch, was 2012.
And despite the hype, and my general good feelings towards Mr.Cusack; I am here to tell you the film was abysmal. Not in a “Oh man. I just stepped in dog shit and tracked it in on the nice new carpet.” kind of abysmal. I mean ” “Oh man. This guy just showed me 2 girls 1 cup while I was eating chocolate ice cream.” sort of abysmal.
This is a good example of how ridiculous this movie is, and how John Cusack’s character is an invincible professional stunt man:
The funny thing is the music suits this clip, and the entire movie perfectly. My favorite part is where they drive past a busted water main and it sprays nasty shit water all over the car. It would have been better if it sprayed all over Amanda Peet’s face.
John Cusack plays Jackson Curtis, a science fiction writer that; like most writers, is struggling financially. A nasty divorce left him single, unhappy, and a big fat assed child support payment. Cusack plays the character pretty well throughout, but the some of the supporting cast could use a slap across the face with a fish. Which leads me to the next star of 2012: Amanda Peet.
Amanda Peet plays Kate Curtis. Jackson Curtis’ bitch of an ex-wife that steals his kids away and marries a cowardly plastic surgeon from Pansy-Dickhead-Ville named Gordon Silberman. He has his Ph.D but that does not negate the fact that he has an asshole for a face. He constantly spews out complete and utter bullshit, and through most of the film I wished he would have been crushed by a falling bus or something similar.
Jackson Curtis’ kids are unimportant. Because like in most films whenever something crazy occurs; like say a zombie apocalypse, or a massive natural disaster, or an alien invasion; anyone under the age of 18 or so is usually portrayed as a gigantic puss-cake that cannot fight or handle a weapon correctly. And they constantly scream, run, and hide; while relying entirely on adults to complete the task at hand. Except for the film Zombieland. Most of the cast from that film are young, and they had a two-for-one sale on ass kicking. They massacred those zombies, and keep in mind one of them had a double barrel shotgun the whole time. AND that movie had Emma Stone’s sexy ass. Mmmmm.
As I mentioned before the film is filled with absurd moments and constant cliff-hangers where our hero
Jackson Curtis Superman very narrowly escapes death over and over. By the end of the film the whole technique is tired and stupid. There’s even one point where the amateur pilot (yeah, about as amateur as the fucking Red Baron) Gordon manages to barely slip between two falling adjacent skyscrapers. Sound like a bit too much? Look for yourself.
If you pause the video at 1:53 you’ll see what my face looked like while I watched this shit-festival of a movie.
If you have the attention span of a goldfish and like lots of noises and explosions to keep your mind occupied, then you’ll love 2012. However if your IQ is at least 60 points higher than your shoe size, then avoid it like an STD.